E13: No means Yes: CNC & Dark Romance

Today's episode is all about consent, or consent to no consent. This is a very hot topic in today's society and always has been. CNC and dark romance have many things in common, most prominently the part when people judge others for being into it. It's a very sensitive topic that many people seem to deeply misunderstand, and I'm here to explain the differences between consent/no consent, fictional/non-con, and consensual/no consent fantasies. Be warned, I ramble quite a bit in this episode. But that's mainly because I'm very passionate about it.

Transcript

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Gothicc Hel 0:16

Hello and welcome to Kinking Out Loud with me, Gothic Hell. It's been a while since the last time I uploaded an episode, and a lot has changed since then. Most notably, I am now a dark romance author. I've published two novels so far, I'm working on my third. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because it's relevant to today's topic, which is consensual non-consent and dark romance, both of whom have something in common, which is being judged for being into it by people who don't understand anything about it. For example, in BDSM, you have CNC, which stands for consensual non-consent, where one party is pretending to be resistant to the act, and the other is pretending to be the aggressor who is forcing themselves onto the willing participant. Now here's the thing that's important to remember it's consensual. Both parties are consenting to the act, and at any point in any time, either of the participants can say, stop it, I don't want this anymore, and immediately it's over. No question. It's all about consent. Now the people who are purposefully misunderstanding this and pretending like this is romanticizing rape seem to have no idea what consent is. When I consent to something, that means that I am going along with it. It means I'm into it. It means I want it. The difference between CNC and actual rape is consent. Violating consent is rape. I am very upset if you can't tell the people are not factoring in consent when it comes to these things. Say for example, uh I consent to having someone slap me in the face, which I have many times. Do you think I'm glorifying violence against women? I mean, some of you might actually think so, which is ridiculous. But I'm not. I am just allowing something to happen to me that I am into, and if you're not into it, that's fine. I'm not forcing you to watch me get hit in the face. Are you kidding? That's insane. So, if you find out that I have told someone to slap me in the face because I want it, would your first instinct be to tell me that's fucked up because I am glorifying and promoting violence against women? Or would it be like, oh that's kind of weird, but you know, whatever. If you're into it, it's none of my business. Hopefully it's the latter. Because whatever I'm doing in the privacy of my home behind closed doors with someone I trust and love and it's allowed to slap me in the face, it's literally none of your business, and you don't get to judge me for it. Not ever. You can you can think whatever you want about it, you can have an opinion of it. You can even say, I don't really fucking like that, I don't want that to happen, I think it's gross, and that's fine, whatever. I don't give a shit. But you don't get to shame me for it. It's not happening to you. It's not happening to you. So back to when it comes to glorifying rape, since we're into dark romance, which often has non-con stalking other things that is very illegal and very fucked up in real life context. Would you also say that horror novels glorify murder or anything like that, or that action movies glorify violence? Probably not. Unless you're a big fucking hypocrite, then you would absolutely say that. In that case, I say, okay, whatever, go off if you want to. I'm not gonna judge you for that, but I will tell you to stay the fuck out of my spaces and out of my face, because I'm not listening to a fucking hypocrite. Yes, I will admit I am very fired up about this. I'm hoping I have some really good points. What I'm trying to say at the bottom of all this is that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for what you're into and what you're enjoying, just because they don't understand it or approve of it. Whatever other people think is completely irrelevant to your situation when nothing or no one is getting hurt. Consent is the forefront and the most important part of all of this. When it comes to dark romance and literature, reading is the act of consent. If you know what's in the novel, for example, my novels have extreme content, and I'm talking very extreme. It's got gunplay, knife play, CNC, breath play, branding, a lot, a lot, there is so much, but I prefer to have consent in my novels, at least so far. So everything in it is consensual except for one little scene that is dubious consent. And still, these trigger warnings are in the front matter of the book, so people know what they're getting into and know whether or not they consent to read about it. If they don't want to read about it, they don't have to. That is the absolute truth. And I am so sick of hearing people judge the ones who are into this because they disagree morally. I think the worst part of this moral outrage is that it's aimed at people who have actually survived sexual assault. What people don't seem to realize is that the majority of those who participate in CNC and read dark romance are people who have survived sexual assault. They find engaging in it and reading about it and participating in it healing, they find it cathartic, they find it comforting to be in a situation where they have the power, where something that was traumatic has been reclaimed. You are in charge, you get to say stop, you get to say don't do this anymore. It's so, so different from the actual event, and it sickens me that it's being compared in any way. Leave people alone, leave those alone who are actually just trying to enjoy themselves without having someone shame them for it. I can't believe this has to be said, but shaming survivors of sexual assault for coping and managing things in a way that brings them comfort and brings them healing is so fucked up. You can't fucking imagine what it's like to have to listen to other people say that, oh well, okay, since you were sexually assaulted, that means that you should like not be into this thing because people who are into non-con in fiction and consensual non-consent are into rape and want to be rape, glorify rape, or romanticize rape. Can you even imagine how incredibly stigmatizing it is to be someone who's gone through that and who's enjoying something like that and been told, well, since you're romanticizing it, that means that you liked it, right? That leaks you that you wanted it. I know of people who have said that no, that's not what I meant. I don't give a shit. That is not that is what you're saying. That's literally the implication you're making when you're saying those things. Words have meaning. There's a reason why I say that the Venn diagram of dark romance readers and kinksters is a circle, because it very much is. Both of those things have so much stigma, it's just ridiculous. I just don't understand where these people have the audacity to comfort people who are enjoying something consensually, safely, and in a space that is supposed to be just for them. If you don't like it, that's fine. I understand it might make you uncomfortable. I understand how it might be even upsetting to you that people are into it, but your opinion does not matter. It really doesn't. Your opinion on what people do behind closed doors is irrelevant, period. It is completely irrelevant and you should just not engage. You don't have to engage. You don't need to read Portrait of a Stalker, which is my Dark Romans book, you don't have to engage in consensual non-consent. It is entirely optional. It's not being forced on you. If you want to do something that you find enjoyable that's not harming anyone else, do it. Don't listen to people who do not understand what they're talking about, who don't seem to grasp the concept of consent. Don't listen to those people. Don't feel ashamed, don't feel embarrassed, and most of all, don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation. Because these people are not out to get explained. They're not out here to get educated. They're only out here to judge. And they are just judgmental assholes, and we should not listen to them or take them seriously. I promise you, you are not damaged or wrong or broken or fucked up or anything like that just because you're into CNC dark romance or anything like that. You're a normal human being with normal wants, wishes, and desires. You have no idea how common the CNC fantasy really is. It doesn't mean that you like rape, it doesn't mean that you want to get raped, and it doesn't mean that you want to rape people. It's a fantasy, it's consensual, it's safe. It's between two people who have agreed to do this. I am just going to tell you, please, please don't let people make you feel like you are some kind of monster for enjoying something that's not hurting anyone. Just think of them as exactly what they are. Ignorant people who want to judge you because they have no understanding of how it affects you. They just think about how it affects them. And in their minds, consent is only important when they say it is. I know this has been a real rant, and I apologize if it didn't sound very nice. I am just very passionate about this. But yes, thank you so much for listening to me. And if you can, you should check out my books. You can check them out at jrobrianbooks.com. I write under that pen name, and I am planning on releasing more than the two I have released. I'll see you next time. Thank you.